So D&D Adventures time we've had the Wok for quite a while, but it doesn't get used all that often. That changed this session So at the end of last session, we were sailing in the expensive direction, looking for an island of undead our party consisted of a Ninja Chef, a Dread Pirate, an Evil Atheist Cleric, and me, your stereotypical fire mage So we're sailing along, and yet again, there's a shadow underneath our boat, coming up fast and a Huge Green Dragon pops out of the water, and tells us that these are his waters, and that if we want to pass, we need to do him a favor which of course screams "Quest Hook" so we ask what he wants us to do, and he wants us to go exterminate a nearby aquatic elf colony or something but we really don't feel like doing that, which we tell him, and he reminds us that these are his waters and we need his permission to pass. at which point I say, "That's a good point. Here's an even better one: Maximized Empowered Sound Lance!" so we start fighting him and green dragons have acid breath, so he burns a hole in both our boat and our cleric so the boat starts sinking, and the cleric's dead body is floating in midair by boots of levitation the Ninja realizes that things are not going well, and decides to jump into the dragon's mouth, hold out the Wok of Two Miles, and hit "expand". and the dragon explodes but now we're down a cleric and a boat full of skeletons so the Ninja makes us a boat out of the Wok and the DM decides that Olidimara rewards us for our sheer awesome battle by reviving our cleric except his soul got tainted in the Abyss, so now he's half-fiend, which is fine with him, because he gets Smite Good that way so we start floating along in the Wok, but we realize that it'll take days to reach an island at the rate we're moving and we've got one Zombie Shark left, so we tie a rope to it, and the Ninja and Dread Pirate ride it, while the Cleric and I start "Water skiing" with boots of levitation so we get to an island, and it appears deserted, except for a small cave near the waterline and we decide that Deserted Island + Hidden Cave + Pirates (us) = Totally awesome secret pirate base so we're going to make this cave into our awesome base, come Hell or high water so we get to the first room, and there are statues with silver crowns and swords on this side, and a chasm with a rickety bridge, then statues with gold crowns and swords on the other side and, being adventurers, the first thought is always "LOOT!", so I try to grab a silver crown, only to take 40 acid damage because the statues have prismatic ray spells or something so we turn our attention to the bridge, which crosses a chasm we can't see the bottom of, so it's obviously going to collapse but the Cleric and I can fly, and the Ninja can make the jump no problem (Facts which annoy our DM to no end), so the Dread Pirate runs across the bridge, which collapses behind him. So now we're facing the other statues, and knowing that they're trapped, I nick a Gold Crown off of one of them with Mage Hand, so I don't get blasted, then write "The Statues are the Key" in Ignan above them, to "help" any subsequent adventurers so we go through the door, and there's a healing fountain beyond, followed by a split in the path. So we heal up, then go left, and find a set of stairs, which by all previous indications are also trapped. This is only a problem for the Dread Pirate, so he stays behind while the rest of us venture downwards we end up in a room with a gold-and-red checked floor, and a door with levers on it we float/jump over, and pull the first lever, and the room starts filling with water. No big deal, as two of us can float and the Ninja has "Walk on Water" we pull the second lever, and the ceiling starts coming down. This is slightly more problematic, so the Ninja pulls out the Wok and braces the ceiling, causing jokes about "Shutting down all trash compactors on the detention level!" lol so the puzzle that is the lever obviously has some sort of trick to it, but being technically-oriented, we realize that it's basically a binary problem, and there's only 16 possible permutations so we try the next one and the water below us starts boiling eventually, we get the correct permutation, and the water receeds and the door opens it's around this time that our two new players arrive, the Dwarf Fighter and the Gnome Ranger and they meet up with the Dread Pirate now, the Gnome Ranger can also fly (due to his mount being a Medium-sized Squid that can fly and is Silver-colored), so he floats down and joins us the Dwarf Fighter tries walking down the stairs, but they do the typical stairs trick of turning into a slide anyway, we then realize that this is going to be the best damn secret base EVER as we realize that we can pipe the Healing Fountain water to the top of the stairs, and have a HEALING WATER SLIDE down into a GOLD-BOTTOMED ROOM-SIZED HOT TUB ahahaha, awesome so we go to the next room, and fight some sort of monster, I don't remember what something that died in no more than 2 rounds to make it so not memorable and as it's nearing the end of the session, as well as 3am, we decide to rest for the night and make a teleport-assisted run back to town so I gather a shopping list from the other characters, and it includes Shurikens, Deadly poison, 20 normal corpses, 1 mass murderer corpse, and a scroll of Awaken Undead and I realize there's only one place to get all this, which is our standard one-stop-shop whenever we hit town: Shady Dealers Inc. so I teleport back to town, and manage to pick up everything but the corpses they have ten normal corpses "which they are still mixing the cement for", and they usually don't get requests to buy them, but they'll let us have them for cheap but there's no way they have a mass-murderer corpse that we supposedly need to create a certain undead so, recalling a recent trip to Gamestop, I ask if we can reserve one so next mass-murderer they get, they'll be calling us first at which point we realize we've come full circle, from quest-taker to quest-giver, as the next poor sap to enter town looking for a quest will get the "Find a mass-murderer, kill him, and bring back the body" quest and that was the end of that session HOWEVER two days later, I was hanging out at the DM and Ninja's house, watching "From Russia With Love" and copying anime off of their computer when the Ninja told me that he was running a campaign later that day, and was a player short and the main premise to this campaign is that all the player's races are randomly generated, Human is not an option, and we all get randomly-rolled character flaws fun so our party consists of A half-fiend Gnoll Barbarian with narcolepsy, whenever he takes an action, he rolls d%, on <=5 he falls asleep, on 100 he goes into SLEEP RAGE, which is a free rage, but he's asleep he also only speaks Gnoll lol a Succubus Sorcerer with OCD for even numbers a self-conscious Nymph Warlock, who always wears oversized robes because she's tired of people staring at her A half-elf rouge who is an outspoken proponent of Communism A dwarven fighter who believes that everything he reads actually happened to him and constantly tells stories, such as "This reminds me of the time I attended Hogwarts! I was..." and me, a gnome favored soul who is an outspoken proponent of Gnomes as the Master Race heh, so much fun Clearly, your first order of business must be to deal harshly with anyone taller than yourself. Can't have them upstaging the master race it must be really fun to tease the nymph, and give uneven numbers to the succubus exactly also, the dwarf managed to roll minimum height and maximum weight on the random tables so he's REALLY fat lol He's actually a hobbit in disguise maybe? Try and see if he answers to Bilbo so we start out in a prison in a town in mideaval Itally, and we manage to break out by having the Gnoll bend the bars at which point we head for the evidence locker, which has bars in front of the door and for some reason (I honestly can't remember why), we decide that the best course of action is for the Succubus to cast Grease on me, then to have the Gnoll pick me up and force me through the bars except the door on the other side is still locked, so now I'm trapped between the bars and the door AHAHAHAHAHA and the rest of the party leaves me there to go look for keys, which results in several calls of "Fuck you, tall people! When the Gnomes take over, you'll regret this!" such a thing to happen someone so proud so they start to go upstairs, except the Gnoll fails a Narcolepsy roll, so he konks out on the stairs the rest of the party find the keys and return to me and hand me the keys, which I use to unlock the door but not the bars, at which point I go looting in the evidence room without them this is hysterical once I've got all my stuff, I return to the bars and demand that they admit Gnome superiority before I'll open the bars eventually they do, and I open the bars at which point everything goes blue which causes quite a few jokes about how the DM is running the campaign on Windows but in reality it's wizards, who tell us that when we leave the prison, we need to jump down the well except the prison is in the middle of town, and we know there's no well in town so we go to the front door, and open it, and we're in the middle of the forest, and it's night, and it was morning when we were locked up and lo and behold, there's a well in front of us with a cry of "Gnomes first!", I jump into the well, not realizing that both the Gnoll and the Dwarf weigh significantly more than me luckily, the DM gives me a reflex roll, which I make at the bottom of the well, there's a tunnel into a cavern, half-filled with water and on the other side of the water, there's another larger tunnel so the party wades in, except when the Nymph in her bulky robes hits the water, it's instant wet-tshirt contest (that's the way Nymphs work) and the Succubus, for I don't remember the reason, decides to take off all of her clothes so we get to the other side, and there's a whole bunch of purple mushrooms between us and the next room except these mushrooms have tentacles: http://www.wizards.com/dnd/images/MM35_gallery/MM35_PG112.jpg so we've got a bunch of tentacled monsters, a naked Succubus, a wet Nymph, and who do the monsters go for? The female half-elf with 8 charisma! I'd be pretty damn offended if I were the nymph Or the succubus for that matter yeah so they grapple the half-elf, at which point the naked succubus starts using her whip, resulting in many comments to the effect of, "I think I saw this in a porn once..." when the purple fungus was defeated, there was all this poison spores in the air so the Succubus's player said, "Can't we just blow it out of the way?" hehe and we decided that the Succubus was best at blowing facepalm which would have required an Innuendo roll in the other campaign indeed anyway, the player goes along with it, and rolls for a "blow" check AND NAT 20'S IT lol so she's REALLY good at blowing anyway, in the next room, we find a pile of children's toys which the Gnoll promptly dives into, extracting a teddy bear and toy train for his personal beloingings o.O The dwarf also manages to find a children's book entitled "Wilson The Toy Cat", which promptly results in the phrase, "This one time, when I was Wilson the Toy Cat..." so we go to the next room, in which there's a pile of rusty armor, a pile of rusty weapons, and a pile of rocks heh the Gnoll starts digging in the pile of rocks cue in rust monster and the rest of us start looking through the other piles at which point an Ethereal Filtcher attacks us aha, it all makes sense now we finish it off,at which time we realize the Gnoll is missing so we go examine the pile of rocks, and it turns out that the exit to the room had been hidden under them, and the Gnoll just happened to find it so we go through to the next room, and get attacked by a Rust Monster i knew it and I manage to land the final blow on it with my crossbow, prompting more declarations of Gnomish Superiority at which point we go to sleep, get attacked by a snake, then start off the next day and we run into one of those multi-colored blobs from the Monster Manual (can't remember what they're called), which gives us some cryptic advice and disappears so we head up some stairs, and find our way back to the forest, and promptly run into a white dragon which my Gnome jumps in front of, shouting, "Acknowledge Gnomish Superiority or perish!" except it's an illusion, and turns out to be that damn blob again, who points us in the direction of the nearest town so we get to the nearest town, and the town guards stop us the Succubus and the Nymph make it in no problem, they look humanish, and they take the Gnoll with them which leaves the Half-Elf, the Dwarf, and me outside with no way to get in so my Gnome says, "Let me in now, and I promise your life will be spared when the Gnomes take over!" AND NAT 20'S THE INTIMIDATION CHECK O_O! so the guards let him in, and the Half-Elf manages to talk her way in too, which leaves the dwarf out there alone so he tries to bore his way in with boring stories except he tells one that makes him sound like a criminal so the town guards beat him up ahahahaha puntastic anyway, the half-elf and I start searching for the rest of our party, and we hear about a Gnoll sitting in front of an inn, playing with a toy train, so we head that way and meet up with the rest of the party, get rooms at the inn, and end of session.